Things had a great turn within about 24 hours. The insecurity in me managed to stir up a disaster once again.
Hitting home five or six in the morning, I did not feel quite tired. I tried to lie down a bit but was quick to decide to do something more meaningful than laying down without sleeping. I figured earlier that Mattie has a whatsapp acc, so I shot him a whatsapp message that I’d arrived safe and sound. But worried that his new phone is not a smartphone, I also dropped him an email (I was still having a really bad compulsive habit to reach a person by every mean I could to be more sure that my message got through).
“Sir, I’ve hit the ground of Malaysia safe and sound! I actually talked to you on whatsapp but wasn’t sure if your new motorola is still a smartphone. You had no idea how LA has been associated with you and how every time when I saw on the plane screen that our flight had got farther from LA my heart dropped a bit. Haha, ignore my unidirectional flirtings, mr unavailable 🙂
Hope to hear back from or talk to you soon.
He used to express his feelings very outspokenly, like that he felt jealous of some other having me (in sex). And recently I’ve tried to be more expressive so that he knows I like him a lot too. But maybe I’d really worked into a wrong way. Very wrong way. As his seeing kenji developed down the road–the moment I started being expressive (and him being less?)–my expression of feelings might have become a burden and not a favorable reciprocation. Anyway, I just can never know.
After I had breakfast with my parents and headed to their shop, I checked my whatsapp and found his reply, “Glad to hear mr! Hows home?”
“I shot you an email too! Did I get your email right?
So far so good! Jet lagged quite much that I haven’t slept.”
(Up to this moment I had never been sure that he received any of my email)
“Haven’t checked my email yet. Will do a bit later. U should get some sleep kiddo”
“How was your weekend?
If I fight it till tognight I bet I can totally get rid of it once and for all. 😀 Has your skype been fixed?”
“Maybe I’ve thought too much but don’t protect me ya remember? 😀”
“Mattie…please say a word? i do not know what has set you into silence again. I am not and i resist being melodramatic. i fuckin hate that. You can tell me how much you prioritize Kenji and do not want to do anything that hinders that. Don’t keep me guessing though. Say whatever you feel. I’ll take it okay? This hurts me more and longer..”
“You won’t get to make me give up. Maybe just get my waiting somewhat lonelier and miserable. You just never know how I feel..”
I knew he’d read, based on the feature of whatsapp. He just didn’t want to reply. And I got way too paranoid over it. It’s obvious how the level of paranoid rose up as it went. Or actually it’s Kenji who read them. I simply failed to keep overflowing questions in my head. And I lacked a certain kind/level of self dignity to prevent myself from this kind of action.
This was not the end. How much I wish it was. Reaching malaysia less than a day, I found no way to talk to a close friend about it. I let the questions and doubts be brewing in my head. I continued to make further mistakes.
I then sent the whatsapp conversation to his email in case he actually didn’t get to read them. But actually he did. He then went on whatsapp to check on new messages (I did not write him a new one on whatsapp but the email). So I believed Mattie wanted to stop interactions with me, for that he wanted me to stop having hopes, or for other reason that i simply didn’t know.
This caused me to break down. A complete end of interaction as if we’d be complete strangers was the least thing I wanted. Meanwhile my paranoid led me to think that it was turning that way. It might not be. But I was not in that sound mind to be positive. Especially when there was an email that I wrote but did not send out, about how he could view my feelings towards him. That while I wanted to wait for him, I did not expect a single bit of his commitment. That He could take my affection as a passive courtship (until he happens to be single again would I take active). And that I wished that he wouldn’t just disappear.
He did not get to know those. And I thought I had to let him know that what he was doing in favor of me was not actually doing me best favor. But as my best friend UniTey later said, why the heck did I believe so much that he was concerned over how I would be feeling. This was the core thing other than my self-centeredness that pushed me towards explaining my own feelings to make him understand. If it was not so true, I had just done it the wrong way, or at least more forcefully than how I should have. So I’d screwed things up by this very last attempt.
“You are not fucking hindering my life by continuing to interact with me WILL YOU EVER UNDERSTAND. You only make me believe that I am good and I deserve a good guy..which I couldn’t hold a faith in…I wished you could be around, as a brother. Or like a soulmate. And I would find the transition myself. But now I can’t figure what was real and what not…I’ll move on as you wished. Probably not exactly. I still wish you the best forever.
I bet even you have got extremely fed up with my paranoid responses of writing to him. I was too. But I just didn’t know why I couldn’t stop. Afraid of the future regret that I could have done something to make him understand and change the outcome but i didn’t, I let myself drift a long wrong way. So after all, I was just too self-centered about my own feelings. I knew that, but i just mistakenly thought that I had been considering the feelings of the others’ too. Yea i did, but I tended to choose to believe the possibilities on the extreme. I simply didn’t consider his feelings well enough. UniTey also made a good point; I didn’t give him a comfy distance to take things. I kept stepping forward when he backed. It’s a mistake that I’ve made quite a number of times. I did not learn well.
As before, I shot him this message to his whatsapp, and then to his email. This was the last words that I wanted to say, and so I wanted to make sure he got them. But little did I know it made things worse. Email bouncing back told me that he’d blocked me. A solid punch in my shattering self-esteem. To me the worst had happened. Things turned sour, and I just couldn’t do anything about it any more. Pretty surprisingly though, I did not get to break down to tears as opposed to the fact that I usually easily have tears rolling (even though friends made a comment before about the difficulty of imagining me crying, which appeared absolutely ironic). A big part of me was trying to deny all these happening all until I now wrote them out.
I tried to get myself crying so that I wouldn’t break down right at the time my parents and sisters came back home at night. I opened “LINE” apps for the first time and called a good friend in the U.S. I recently came out to. I finally got to cry a little when she and another good friend (usually sarcastic to me) said that they were missing me already. A soft touch on my self-esteem that just got blown and fell into coma. I quickly told her what happened, and with empathy she asked me what to do now after he blocked me. All of a sudden, an idea, which would later be greatly subject to my own and my friend’s scrutiny, popped out of my mind. I let her send the bounced back message right into his phone using her U.S. phone, topped with a little bit of her own thought. While the message itself might be sound, the fact that I continued to step over into the comfy distance he was trying to set was more pathetic than ever.
My friend told me about all the mistakes I made and how horrible they could be. Her honest words sank my heart a whole lot until I further defended myself and denied all that had happened. It hit right in my face my perfectionism. Yet another dark spot in my life even before it turned better. I felt that I was so terrible that I managed to make someone who once liked me very much hate me now. Wow what a hard truth. I think I just need to get over it and be better. And as UniTey said, if I can’t have my confidence stemming from my own self but relying on somebody else like Mattie, I am gonna repeat this many more times when I meet someone I like in the future. I have to get over this new big dark spot and believe that despite all the bad things I am still an attractive good person. Also, I have to get over that I have a woman’s sensitivity in me at this moment; only after accepting could I get better on that.
To be honest I enjoy loathing my own self. It sheds guilts. And by doing that I know my minimum and the worst of me. But probably also because of it I am constantly taking the worst me as the real me, keeping low my self-esteem. I don’t know.
Up to now he did not reply. But I am not waiting for that (ignore the little thing deep down). I’m wishing that time passes quickly and I can send my true apology when everything subsides.
After Mattie’s skype crashed, I shot Mattie offline messages on Skype out of desperation, wishing that he would get to read it hopefully by the coming Sunday despite the crash. One day or two passed, and my anxiety surged. I shot him an email,
then followed up by another. Worried that he might think that he had to read it on the day I leave, I put “Mattie please read this” on the headline. I, now writing this, couldn’t help but to find myself more and more pathetic. That wasn’t cool, and I doubt if I could ever appear attractive with this kind of mess in my head.
After my almost every-minute check of email for two days, the very email reply that I anticipated still did not flow in. I think I had a cry in my heart. He somehow tried to convince me that that email that he gave me was what I could reach him at, but I didn’t get to feel that way after all those and these. But doubts did not manage to stop me from missing him. And I found myself buying more of the espresso from my favorite local coffeehouse when I happened to think of him. I need something that usually makes me feel good to brush off the sorta loneliness (and the shaking faith) of missing him. The magics of espresso had too eventually failed after few days, however. As it was on its way of failing, I picked up hookups (or meetups) from online with much less filter/consideration.
I was very much blessed that all four people that I met/hooked up were great either in look or in personality. On the last two meetups, I even talked with the guys I met about Mattie . That was the moment I felt every ticking second before I flied. Reluctance multifolded, and I was subconsciously trying to overlook my anticipation of the meetup with Mattie.
I could not help but have made further subtle moves few days after emails were sent out unreplied. I texted him, “are you there yet Mattie?” and “hey mattie…” after each day lapsed, unknowing of whether he had got his new phone and so whether he were able to get the texts at all (or whether much of it was a game). I eventually borrowed my housemate’s phone to try calling him. It did ring (as opposed to a much earlier try that it went into a voicemail right away). I did not want to raise any further suspicion of it; I knew it was not gonna help but hurt. I stopped struggling.
All until I stepped into the departure gate of Madison airport I shot him a final message: “I will be hitting LA airport at 10.30 local time. Until 5pm. Wish to see you there.” A last shot on my behalf to conclude everything. But I was actually calmer than any before when I did it. I didn’t think it would make any difference from the current state-being anymore; I was more like doing it to close the case up, then move on.
After I had the transit to chicago and finally hit the ground of LA, it took me a long way to find a place to put my super heavy hand-carry luggages down and recharge my phone (it was at its last few percent of battery before I sent the text out). To my great surprise, I found an unread message from Mattie sitting in my inbox. “Hey chew. Just got my new phone. im not going to be able to get down there sorrh. There is lots atLAX tho, go shopping!” Although I wished to be able to see him, this text did not disappoint me too much. I wasn’t ready to let him see me in person too, fearing that I might break his impression. But I was upset about his not replying my emails. So I shot him, “Didn’t get your email reply for so long. Heart broke a little”, in an attempt of trying to see the truth behind it. His next reply wrenched my heart, “Chew we are friends mr. U have to remember that.”
“I knew. That’s why I said I did not want to affect you and kenji. But you also knew that I like you. youdon’t have to reciprocate but you can’t stop me; I don’t even. Or else I would have. I just thought that you liked me too that you’d take me as a good friend (don’t have to care how I take you). I’m sorry. All the best ya”
“I do like u kiddo very much. Just don’t want u to have hope we can be together. U need to get out there and explore more. Ill always be here for u when u need me. I think ur beautifulChew”
There I couldn’t hold up the tears that had been filling up my eyes. My first time crying in public just like that (although I didn’t make any sound and immediately had my face down as if I was napping on one arm).
“Why can’t I hold that hope? I am not getting hurt nor wasted.”
“U can. I cant tell you what to do. but id prefer u didn’t get hurt if it didn’t come true”
“I might. I don’t know. but I am ready to take the risk. The most direct way I can get hurt is by you trying to protect me by keeping a distance dude. I am adult okay Mattie? Only few years younger. I am as tough as, if not more than, you.”
“Okay. i wont try to protect you then.”
“🙂 I promise i stay strong.”
“Ur one of a kind chew.”
“I didn’t know what it meant until I asked an American sitting beside. It’s a huge compliment 🙂 so you actually read the email I asked you not to until I fly?”
“No I haven’t read it yet. U haven’t left yet.”
“I will be missing you Mattie. A hell lot. Have a great Sunday ya”
“Safe travels mr. Speak when u get home xo.”
All of a sudden the dark clouds that blanketted me vanished. He brought me up and down like going through a roller coaster.
When I think of him, I can’t help but wondering what he is doing. Usually at that moment, especially when it happens at night or during weekends, I will have kenji coming into the picture with him in my head. In the bed. Then one of his lines in our conversation history “we recently had a lot of sex” “I like to fuck him” shows up bright in my mind. Then my heart has to resist the jealousy and the fear of uncertainty. How much does he like kenji? that they start to have a lot of sex and whatever? Does he like kenji so much that they might be together for very long time and even till forever? Thinking of these, I can’t help but to lose my voice. It is still too much for me to take at this moment. If he really was bad guy and just wanted to play with me, I might easily get over him, if not I have. But he is not, and he can’t be (based on my intuition), and he eventually did text me back to make me not waiting for him. This is just not something that I can let go. Nobody else likes me like he does. He makes me accept the self that I can’t. He is all that I want.